CRAZY LITTLE CHRISTMAS TIME

This Christmastime I just can't handle it
this Christmastime I must get round to it, I ain't ready
Crazy little Christmastime
This time (This time) of year (of year)
The gifts (for my baby) and the decorations
The cards (Woo Woo) The bills (Woo Woo)
The ads all over starting labor day, I don't like it
Crazy little Christmas time

There goes Santa baby he knows how to shop the mall,
he drives me crazy
He always gives the perfect presents,
But the elves help him out you can bet

I gotta log on, relax, double click,
Fill my own toy sacks bought on Ebay, overnight
And then sit & watch It's A Wonderful Life, 'til they're ready
Crazy little Christmas time

(instrumental)

I gotta log on, relax, double click,
Fill my own toy sacks bought on Ebay, overnight
& then sit & watch It's A Wonderful Life 'til they're ready
(ready sleddy)
Crazy little Christmas time

This Christmastime I just can't handle it
this Christmastime I gained ten pounds of it, I ain't ready
Crazy little Christmas time
Crazy little Christmas time
Crazy little Christmas time
Crazy little Christmas time
Crazy little Christmas time
Crazy little Christmas time

THE FESTIVUS BUNCH

Here's the story of Dan O'Keefe
Who in the 60s created Festivus
With the airing of grievances, and feats of strength
It's for the rest of us

Here's the story of Dan's son Daniel
Who was writing for the Seinfeld TV show
He wrote Festivus into an episode
Adding an aluminum pole

Then this one day when the show was on the TV
And they saw it caused so much of a fuss
Yes it was a Festivus miracle
That's the way we all came to know Festivus
Yes Festivus, Oh Festivus
That's the way we all now know Festivus

GROUND CONTROL TO SANTA CLAUS

Ground Control to Santa Claus,
Ground Control to Santa Claus
Take your candy canes and put your red suit on

(Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen, Rudolph, Olive, Liftoff)

Ground Control to Santa Claus,
Commencing countdown, on your sleigh
Check the reindeer and we’ll see you Christmas Day

This is Ground Control to Santa Claus, You've really made your list
And the children want to know who's nice and naughty
Now it's time to leave the presents by the tree

This is Santa Claus to Ground Control, I'm going down the chimney
And it's smoky and I'm moving toward the light
and the morons lit a fire in here tonight

For here am I burning in a fireplace Far away from home
Stuck here in the flue And there's nothing I can do

[instrumental]

Though I'm stuck and won't get out alive I'm feeling very still
And I think my reindeer know which way to go
Tell the elves I love them very much

(We know)

Ground Control to Santa Claus, your circuit's dead there's something wrong
Can you hear me, Santa Claus? Can you hear me, Santa Claus?
Can you hear me, Santa Claus? Can you....

Here am I burning in a fireplace Far from the North Pole
Stuck here in the flue And I wish I was a Jew

(Uh, North Pole, we have a problem.)

HOPELESS WRAPPER

You heard my call,
I came out of the shopping mall
I had a gift in my hand
But I can’t give it like this; it’s too bland
I spent too much in that store
I could not afford the gift wrap—it cost more
It needs nice wrapping so it looks sharp
But I made a mess of it right from the start

So when your bow’s untied
Even though you have tried
Don’t use a crass one that’s premade
We’ll get the ribbon to bow
Cross it right where it’s laid
Then put your finger so

But hold it fast, hold it fast
Cuz I’m a hopeless wrapper
But hold it fast, hold it fast
Cuz I’m a hopeless gift wrapper

I thought I would use something fun
But Sunday comics aren’t cute they’re just dumb
I got some paper that looks nice
I cut it too short, and did it twice
Now there’s not enough on the roll
And I can’t figure out how this ribbon should curl
Too much tape, but it sure will hold
Wow, took so long, took so long, I’ve grown old

So when your bow’s untied
Even though you have tried
Don’t use a crass one that’s premade
We’ll get the ribbon to bow
Cross it right where it’s laid
Then put your finger so

But hold it fast, hold it fast
Cuz I’m a hopeless gift wrapper
But hold it fast, hold it fast
Cuz I’m a hopeless gift wrapper
But I will learn,
I will learn to wrap the gifts I’m giving
But I will learn,
I will learn to wrap the gifts I’m giving
Or just buy gift cards

MISTER DRUMMER BOY MAN

Mr. Drummer Boy Man
Well, I walked farther than those camels
When I shlepped across that sand,
Hitched no ride in someone’s van,
Could not afford to fill a can
Full of gasoline for my Ford Taurus
When I got to that manger, man,
I played for him my drum.
Pa rum pa pum pum pum,
He gave me thumbs up and then he sang the chorus.

Hey, little drummer boy, man, play your drum for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to.
Hey! Little drummer boy, man, bang your skins for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I’ll come followin' you.

Playin’ drums for a newborn seemed hardly apropos,
But on that night so long ago,
The ox and lamb backed my solo,
While the sheep made yellow snow,
The shepherds said the wise men
were all such big shmucks
Now looking back’s no fun because I peaked a little young
Went straight to number one,
Playing for the big guy’s son
I thought the deal was done,
I’d make the big time and make the big bucks

Hey! Bubi Zimmerman, play that dreidel song for me,
Light the candles and let’s celebrate, it’s Hanukkah
(bad harmonica) I’m trying to learn harmonica

So all the years since it, yes it pains me to admit,
That drum song’s still my only hit
And I’m bitter just a bit,
But what really is the pit,
Is how my royalties are split
They go nearly all of it to my attorney,
Since the good gigs are so rare,
I just take whatever’s there,
Play every stinking county fair,
Opening for a band known for their hair
And I try hard not to care,
The dressing room I have to share
Is with some tribute band for Styx or for Journey

Hey! Little drummer boy, lay down a beat for me,
I’m Bob Dylan and I am Tangled Up In Blue
Hey! Little drummer boy, please percuss for me,
In the Merry Christmas morning I’ll come followin’ you.

Hey! Little drummer boy, man, play your drum for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to.
Hey! Little drummer boy, man, play a song for me,
In the jingle belling morning I’ll come followin' you.

NORTH POLE CABANA

Her name was Suzy, she was a snowflake
With icy crystals in her hair and a parka up to there
She would go ice skate and triple salcow
And while she could've used a shrink,
Frosty worked at the ice rink
He drove the Zamboni, if you get what I mean
They were flakes and they had each other,
they were a perfect team

At the North Pole, North Pole Cabana,
The coolest spot to hang with Santa
At the North Pole, North Pole Cabana,
Blizzards and passion were always the fashion
At the North Pole...they fell in love

His name was Rudy, he had a red nose
he thought the ice looked just like glass
he saw Suzy's charming...face
And when she finished, he called her over
Rudy was naughty more than nice,
Frosty sailed across the ice
And then the punches flew, candy canes smashed in two
There was blood and a single antler, But just who gored who?

At the North Pole, North Pole Cabana,
The coolest spot to hang with Santa
At the North Pole, North Pole Cabana,
Mistletoe and passion were always the fashion
At the North Pole...she lost her love

(North Pole, North of Havana,
Oh my daiquiri has a big banana
Can’t get a suntan-a
I’m a big fan o’
That Barry Mani-low)

Her name is Suzy, she was a snowflake
But that was 30 years ago,
when they used to have some snow
Now it's a toy shop, but not for Suzy
Still in the parka that she'd wear, frozen drizzle in her hair
Can't play the hand she's dealt, she downs another belt
She lost her youth and she lost her Frosty,
Now she's about to melt

At the North Pole, North Pole Cabana,
The coolest spot to hang with Santa
At the North Pole, North Pole Cabana,
Disco and passion were always the fashion
At the North Pole don't fall in love
Don’t fall in love
Don’t sue me please
It’s just a joke

ONE WEEK (UNTIL XMAS EVE)

It's just 1 week until xmas Eve,
That’s all the time I’ve got to finish shopping
7 days ‘til you laugh at me
saying "tie that together with bows and some wrapping"
The tree’s up in the living room,
I realized that it might fall, but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me,
but it'll still be 2 days till I say I’m jolly

Hold it now we’re watchin’ Frosty and don’t feel lost, see
You'll think you're looking at the Michelin man
With candy canes on my brain drinking champagne
I catch a buzz and top it off with Marzipan
Hear the bells when I jingle oh yeah Chris Kringel
Because I’m all about Christmas
Bing Crosby’s got the mad hits You try to match pitch,
you try to croon it but it’s bass-less
Gonna make a break and take a flake
I'd like a shake n bake fuitcake
I like egg nog, the finest of the flavours
See the snow, then you'll know the mistletoe’s hangin’ low
It's so dangerous, you'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you're naughty when you're nice
Trying hard not to smile though I did twice
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a Christmas Carol
Can't understand what I mean? Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wait until Christmas Eve
I have a history of getting only coal

It's just 1 week until xmas Eve,
Threw your arms in the air and said "You're flakey"
Five days since you snowballed me and
I've still got the frostbite on both my knees it's been
three days since the Christmas tree
You realized it's not my fault, And just gravity
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait til you say you're jolly

(If I had a secret santa or if I had Barenaked Ladies)

Green Grinch—he surprises,
First he gets wiser, then his heart grows 3 sizes
Watchin' Rudolph with no lights on, He’s an icon
She thinks he’s cute
Yukon Cornelius is frantic, But Hermie’s tantric
Then he pulls the Bumble’s bad tooth

Like Kurasawa, it’s a rad film. ‘K, it’s a bad film
But it’d be better with some Samurais
Dump the claymation, For 3D animation
then see the CGI Island of the Misfit Toys
It’ll get some press not like the mess
expressionless Polar Express
that scared all the girls and boys

How can I help it if I think you're naughty when you're nice
Trying hard not to smile though I did twice
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a Christmas Carol
Can't understand what I mean? Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to hang my stocking on my sleeve
I have a history of getting only coal

It's just one week until Christmas Eve
You got your popcorn strung and said "I'm jolly"
Five days since I laughed at you and said
"You just did just what I thought you were gonna do"
Three days since the mistletoe
We realized we're both to blame, but what could we do?
Yesterday you just smiled at me
Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're jolly
It'll still be two days till we say we're jolly
It'll still be two days till we say we're jolly
It'll still be two days till we say we're jolly

SANTA LOLA

I met him in a mall down in Atlanta
Where you drink egg nog and it tastes just like cherry Fanta, F-a-n-t-a Fanta
I waited in his line and I sat on his lap
I asked him his name,
and in a jolly voice he said Santa
S-a-n-t-a Santa Sa-sa-sa-sa-Santa

Well I'm not the worlds most physical fellow
But when he laughed
he shook like a bowl full of jello
Oh my Santa sa-sa-sa-sa-Santa
Well I'm not dumb but what the hell
He talks to his reindeer & he says he's an elf
Oh my Santa sa-sa-sa-sa-Santa
sa-sa-sa-sa-Santa

Well we drank egg nog & danced real slow
Under my hung-up mistletoe
He picked me up and sat me on his knee
& said dear boy see the toy shop with me
Well I'm not the worlds most passionate guy
But when I looked in his eyes
well I almost fell for my Santa
Sa-sa-sa-sa-Santa Sa-sa-sa-sa-Santa
Santa Ho-ho-ho Santa Ho-ho-ho Santa

He made his list
He checked it twice
Said I was nice
So I got down on my knees
Then I looked at him and he at me

Well that's the way that I want it to stay
& I always want it to be that way for my Santa
Sa-sa-sa-sa-Santa
Elves make the toys and toys make me purr
Its a mixed up muddled up marshmallow world except for Santa
Sa-sa-sa-sa-Santa

Well I left home just a week before
And I'd never seen the north pole before
But Santa smiled and put my hand in his
And said dear boy let's make the naughty list

Well maybe there are those who say I'm a flake
But I know what I am; yes, I'm a fruitcake
And so is Santa
Sa-sa-sa-sa-Santa Sa-sa-sa-sa-Santa
Santa Ho-ho-ho-Santa Ho-ho-ho-Santa

SWEET CAROLING

When we began,
we'd sing the songs we know and
We'd sing 'em loud and we'd sing strong

Was then we'd sing,
About that little drummer
You'd have joined in our sing along

Pum, Rum-pum-pum, Singin' out
In harmony, songs we knew

Sweet caroling,
Yuletide never seemed so good
We sing outside,
All throughout our neighborhood, but now I…

…Sing Silent Night, (O Silent Night)
But I sing it too slowly
They close the door before I'm through

And when we thirst,
We sing we come a-wassailing
Neighbors give us a drink or two

Warm, cocoa's warm, And we got
schnapps for me, schnapps for you

Sweet caroling
Yuletide never seemed so good
We sing outside
All throughout our neighborhood, ho ho ho

Sweet caroling
Yuletide never seemed so good
We sing outside
All throughout our neighborhood,
Sweet caroling

THANK GOD I'M A SANTA BOY

Well life at the pole is kinda laid back
Ain't much an old jolly elf like me can't hack
Make lots of toys, put 'em in the sack
Thank God I'm a Santa Boy

We load up the sleigh and then we hit the air
make a lot of stops – got no time to spare
Except for Vegas, what happens stays there
Thank God I'm a Santa Boy

Well I got me some bells and I got me some jingle
When I'm on the roof I'm careful with your shingles
If I see tinsel it gives me a tingle
Thank God I'm a Santa Boy

I never was one who liked to hit the mall
So I use a temp firm down in St. Paul
I hire those elves cuz they're so dang small
Thank God I'm a Santa Boy

It's real hard work though it's only once a year
My favorite homes put out a can o' beer
That's why I don't drive, I use reindeer
Thank God I'm a Santa Boy

Well I got me some bells and I got me some jingle
When I want a treat I eat Racine Kringel
When I'm at a party I sure like to mingle
Thank God I'm a Santa Boy

When the work's all done and the kids have got their toys
I kick back with the elves and chillax with my boys
I pull out the banjo and we really make some noise
(banjo riff)
Thank God I'm a Santa Boy

Well I got me some bells and I got me some jingle
I sing White Christmas like Der Bingle
I hope one day to have a hit single
Thank God I'm a Santa Boy

Some are freaked out cuz I know when they're asleep
But I don't see much, I'm really not a creep
So I just flip a coin, it's random but it's cheap
Thank God I'm a Santa Boy

Well this gig was my daddy's till the day he passed
he took me by the hand, told me words meant to last said 'once you go elf you'll never go back'
Thank God I'm a Santa Boy

Well I got me some bells and I got me some jingle
When I want a snack I eat me some Pringles
When the wife's feeling frisky she calls me Kris Kringle
Woo! Thank God I'm a Santa Boy

THAT’S A MENORAH

At Christmas time, when carols ring
If you’re left out, here’s what you sing

When you’ve lit holiday lights, but you don’t
believe in Christ,
That’s a menorah
When your religion is older than Moses’ candleholder
That’s a menorah
It’s yuletide, dai-del-dai-del-dai, dai-del-dai-del-dai
But for you, no Santa Claus
Baruch ata, not fa-la-la, la-la-la
Egg nog fails kosher laws

When you’re best friend’s a moyl and you’ve run
low on oil,
For your menorah
When you’re buying some toys, but not for any goys,
At the mall
When you have a good book, but just the first five
chapters you took, that’s the Torah
What we say, is ‘Oy Vey’, in our Yiddishe way
That’s a menorah

When you do shopping later, ‘cause you’re having a Seder
Light your menorah
When there’s no manger and cradle and you’re playing
with a dreidel
Light your menorah
Hanukkah, not fa-la-la, fa-la-la
Though it falls close to Christmas
Deck the halls with lotsa lotsa Matzo balls
Then shlep your tokhes you go to a bris

When your friends they all kibbitz ‘cuz you like egg nog not Maneshevitz
That’s ferkakte
When the star on your tree has six points don’t you see
You’re a Jew
When your stocking is hung, but you’d much rather run
To Miami Beach’s shore-ah
Skip the flight and burn bright all of the candlelight
On that menorah
Oy veh

UKELELE CHRISTMAS

I wake up in the morning and check the weather
Curse my luck and put on another sweater
I see how deep the snow and ice is
I’m depressed or it’s a mid-life crisis
it’s xmas day—gotta get outta this funk
Hope at least one present is more than just junk
Come down the stairs & look under the tree
There’s an oblong present addressed to me
I unwrap the paper and inside there’s a note
But just 2 words are all that they wrote
The instructions say only “play me”
And now I have my own ukulele

This will be my Ukulele Christmas
I’ll pack my troubles & go where the Arctic winds won’t blow
Let’s all have a Ukulele Christmas

They say it can be played with relative ease
And the sounds that it makes are like a tropical breeze
These four chubby fingers, one for each string
A few simple chords and I’m ready to sing

This will be my Ukulele Christmas
My worries will fade away as I learn how to play
Let’s all have a Ukulele Christmas

My uke is so pretty, it’s new and shiny
Not big like a cello, no it’s cute and tiny
But I’m not small so I worry ‘bout that
Does this uke…make me look fat?

My uke’ll make you smile every single minute
Make you drink egg nog with an umbrella in it
Make you forget that the cold blows
Make you wanna have on fewer clothes
Make you forget about the ice and snow
Make you wanna snuggle under mistletoe
Make you happy as Santa Baby
Make you wanna get … your own ukulele

This will be your Ukulele Christmas
You’ll pack your troubles and go, where it doesn’t get so dang cold
Let’s all have a Ukulele Christmas

And if this song brings you some Christmas cheer
Or makes you wanna put a lime in your beer
Or if it warms your heart just a single degree
Well, you know…that’s good enough for me

This will be our Ukulele Christmas
we’ll pack our troubles and go and play a ukulele xmas show
Come and join our Ukulele Christmas
Our worries have gone away because we’ve learned to play
Let’s all have a Ukulele Christmas

VIVA LA VENISON

I used to yule the world
Sleighs would rise when I gave the word
Now Christmas Eve I'm all alone
Watch my special on TV at home

[Mrs. Donder: He’s got a shiny nose
Donder: Shi-shi-shi-shiny? I’d even say it glows
Mrs. Donder: Well, we’ll just have to overlook it
Donder: Now can you overlook that. His beak blinks like a blinkin’ beacon!
Santa: Ho-ho-ho-ho]

Santa said naughty or nice
But I was the one who lit up the skies
Listened as the crowds did sing
"Now the old man is dead, & Rudolph is king"
One minute celebrity
Next the malls were closed to me
And I discovered plain as my nose
That fame comes quick but just as quick goes

I hear Chris Kringel's jingle bells a-ringing
Old man's got all those presents he's bringing
But holiday spirit I just can't feel
Knowing that I got such a raw deal
For some reason I can't explain
St. Nick got a GPS
Yes then I was spurned
And that was when I yuled the world

[Rudolph: I’m cute! I’m cute! She said I’m cute!
Clarise: Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer]
It was a wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
That blizzard where I made my name
People couldn't believe what I became
Bitter little elves just wish
For me to be a venison dish
Fat man dumped me for the next thing
Oh, who would ever want to be king?

I hear Chris Kringel's jingle bells a-ringing
Old man's got all those presents he's bringing
But holiday spirit I just can't feel
The season now it seems so unreal
For some reason I can't explain
I know St. Nich'laus won't call my name
Never a jolly word
& that was when I yuled the world

[Santa: Ready, Rudolph?
Rudolph: Ready, Santa.
Santa: OK, Rudolph, full power!
(Rudolph’s nose lights up)
Santa: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho]

I hear Salvation Army bells a-ringing
High school madrigal choirs are singing
How many of my old lyrics I'll steal
Instead of writing something with new appeal
For some reason I can't explain
I know St. Nich'laus won't call my name
Never a thank you heard
And that was when I yuled the world

[Charlie-in-a-box: Goodbye Rudolph! Good luck!
Clarise: You’ll go down in history]